Skillet Fried Potatoes: God’s Golden Cubes of Love

Is there really a more versatile and perfect food item than the humble potato?  Shut your fat stupid face if you don’t agree, it was a rhetorical question.  You can shred the potato, you can slice it, cube it, mash it, it can be boiled, fried, roasted, stewed.  

Or is it?  This post is born from of the shitty fried potatoes I have been encountering lately.  Too many times they have been overcooked, or undercooked, or just a ball of mushy starch on a plate.  But we can fix this.  We have the technology.  We can make them crispier, goldener, more delicious.

The first thing we’re going to consider is our prep work, and for that we have to look at the various breeds of potato.  For the most part we can break them into two: waxy and dirty.  These are not technical terms, so keep with me.  It’s about the texture of the raw potato, which directly relates to the starch that’s going to bleed out of it while you’re cooking.  

Think of waxy potatoes as being ones like reds, they have that smooth texture on the outside, and the insides don’t eplode with whitewater when you cut them.  On the other side we have the dirties, these are your russet types.  The makeup of the skin always feels a little gritty, you’re gonna want to use these guys for your baking and mashing needs.

“But Coop,” you’re saying, “all I have is the 10 pound bag of russets, because I buy my potatoes all willy nilly like.”  That’s fine, my friend.  We’re going to make that work as well.  Let’s get into our directions.

For your waxies you’re going to have an easy time.  Cube up the taters, ¼ inch by ¼ inch.  Get a layer of oil hot in your skillet, medium heat.  Toss in the potatoes, season, then toss them real good so you get the oil and spices coating every little chunk.  Cover this, but every now and again make sure you stir it up, to keep from burning the outsides.  Taste a piece from time to time.  Is it cooked?  Yes?  Crank up the heat and stir fry until you’ve crisped the outsides.  Then eat them.  Then say a prayer of thanks for such a delicious meal.

Now let’s ride dirty.  You’re still gonna cube them up.  You’re even going to stir fry them on high.  The difference is the step you’re going to add between cutting and pan.  You’re going to par-boil the cut potatoes.  You’re going to add vinegar to the water when you do.  1/8 cup per gallon will do it (you can do this same thing with homemade fries to get them crispier).  Once your potatoes are cooked you’re going to drain them and throw them directly into your hot oiled pan and season, then begin the stir frying.

FUCKING BONUS ROUND. SON!

Coop’s spice cabinet:

I advocate a well stocked spice cabinet, but there are a few things I consider a must.  While I enjoy going fresh as often as possible, these are the dried seasonings I like to make sure I have in a pinch.

Sazon (a mixture of MSG and spices, found in you Hispanic foods section.  Good for marinades, which we’ll cover later)

Garlic and Onion powders (no bitching, they do their job)

Kosher salt (The ‘kosher’ in the name refers to its electrolytic effects, all faiths can use this salt)

Cumin (Good for a chili like flavor)

Chipotle (heat and smokiness at once)

Portal Bellow Mush Room

So, for kicking this shit off we're going to start with something I started working on all those years ago around age 15.
It was a cool summer day in the quiet mountain town of Silverton.  The place?  A little cafe below a hotel, called The Green Table.  The dish?  A portabello mushroom on toast.  On my fourth day of work our head waitress, Mel, encouraged me to try something from the menu. 
Now, with a name like 'The Green Table' you can probably guess that the fare was not the usual lumps of greasy meat and cheese I shamefully shove down my gullet.  I had tried enough of the food to be sure I was making it according to the HC's directions, but otherwise my taste buds were focused on cheeseburgers (which we'll get to another day). 
Without a lot of work or money you can replicate this yourself, impress your friends, and maybe even get that special lady to get at you (broads digs mushrooms).

What you will need:
Portabello Mushrooms
French Bread
Mayonaisse
Chipotle Paste (if you can't find it, get some of them shits and put them in a blender)
Cheese (I recommend feta for this, but something like a muenster can be good too.  Just make sure it's cheese, not cheese product).

All right, you want to take your mushroom, which you have turned into just the cap, right?  Put it in a skillet, medium heat, in which is also about 1/8 inch of water.  Cover.  Let it go for a couple of minutes.
While that's making, it would be a good ide to mix up the mayo and the chipotle paste.  Mix it in a proportion that makes you comfortable.  You will be judged on it.
Take a slice of yonder Freedom bread, maybe make it about an inch, slather your hot mayo all over it.  Throw your mushroom cap on top, throw your cheese on top of that, then broil the shit out of it until it is done but not burned.  You'll know.  Just keep an eye on it.

Serve with lemonade, because fuck yeah lemonade.  You're gonna eat this, you're gonna need a new pair of pants when your done.  If you're a dude, give it to your woman and watch her beg to make your babies.

See you ladies Wednesday,
love, Coop

"Hershey's is amateur hour chocolate."

What are we even doing here?

Do you stay up into the wee hours of the night, scouring Pinterest for food ideas?  You have tab upon tab upon tab in your browser filled up with complicated and, allegedly, delicious dishes.  I say allegedly because you're never going to get around to making any of it.  You're going to look at the pictures, you're going to salivate, but at the end of the day you're going to make your Spongebob mac and cheese, eat the whole bowl yourself, and refuse to acknowledge that you are little more than a cooking enthusiast.

Let's change all that.  I'm not here to post pretty pictures to get your hunger dick all hard.  If that's what you're looking for, you can get right the hell out of here now.  I plan on showing you how to make food that tastes good, and teaching you why.  These are things you can make without breaking your budget.

Let's be real.  When's the last time you ate Bearnaise?  When was the last time you made some?  I've been in the kitchen for over 20 years, I've been getting paid for it for 15.  I know what you want.  You want to shove something delicious in your feed hole, or your SO's feed hole, without driving yourself crazy.  You'll learn what works, and you'll learn why it works.  Once you know how deliciousness works, you can be confident in you improvisation.

So keep it tuned.

--Coop
"On paper cooking is all just science.  Knowing how to apply that science is what makes it art."