End of Hiatus and Making Your Delicious Meat Something That Everyone Wants in Their Mouths

Battered, broken, and disheartened I crawled my way back to this blog using only my sexy and powerful upper body and a will to talk about some food.  So I'm back, and plan to keep it that way.

In the interim, I had an opportunity to cook for my single fan and regular reader (despite there being nothing to read, I know that she's checked to be sure).  But, she is a vegetarian, and this was a BBQ, so besides my delicious spicy sauce that goes with everything (even blini, it's been tested) she did not get to feel my warm, juicy, delicious pork sliding down her throat.

That doesn't mean that you can't, though.  This post will give you and overview of what exactly I did and why.  Some of this may seem like simple shit when you hear it, but I've had enough truly awful smoked meat on this godforsaken coast to take no knowledge for granted.

Step one, marinade.
You're going to find a lot of jackoffs (jacksoff?  I am unsure of the plural) that will tell you marinating is akin to cheating.  They say things like you're ruining the taste of your meat by adding anything extra.  They'll tell you that if you cook your meat right, all you need to season it is salt and pepper.  Notice, though, these kind of assholes don't hesitate to drench their perfect untouchable meat in a bunch of vinegar and tomato before they shovel it into their braying talk-holes.
There may be something to be said for that point of view.  On the other hand, though, fuck those guys.  First off, we aren't a bunch of damned neandertal huddled around a campfire roasting a wooly rhino on a spit all scared of sabertooth tigers.  We have the cushy advantage of living in a modern world in which cooking our food is allowed to be less of a survival skill and more of an art.  A good marinade is a lot more about the science of food than it is about putting a bunch of foreign taste into your meat.
I went with a small picnic roast this time, and here's how it went down marinade wise.  Keep in mind, this marinate was more about consistency of flavor and juiciness than it was about adding taste.  The smoke and meat are going to be teaming up for taste.
There are three essential elements to your marinade.  Fat, sugar, and salt.  You can get all of these things in there, and add some wonderful taste, with nearly infinite combinations.  Since we are not as focused on added flavor at this stage, however, we're going to keep it very simple.  We're going to mix up 2 tbs of kosher salt, 1/4 cup grapeseed oil, 1/4 cup of honey.  Put all of that into a ziplock bag big enough to accommodate your roast.Once it's mixed up real well, add the meat, then just enough water so that the meat with be surrounded on all sides when the bag is closed.  Keep as much air out as you can, it will help.  Toss this in the fridge overnight.
The salt is going to draw the natural juices from the chunk of pigflesh out into the bag, then the meat is going to reabsorb the juices along with that little bit of sugar and oil.  This is a process called electrolysis.  Basically, after a good soak the juice this chemical reaction makes all the liquid present in the meat as identical as possible to the liquid it's been soaking in.  The sugar helps with flavor absorption when the smoke gets there, attaching to the smoke flavor while itself caramelizing in the slow dry heat.  The fat from the grapeseed oil helps keep the meat moist as the smoke starts drying it out.

Step two, final prep
After your meat has been soaked overnight you have a little bit of work to do.  Once your fire is blazing, before you've let it die down to a good smoking smoulder, you want to take your meat out and discard the marinade.  Use a paper towel to quickly dry off the outside.  Remember, all the marinade is inside the meat now, that liquid in the bag is of little use to you (some people like to save and reuse it, but that carries with it a much greater risk of contamination, and that shit ruins days rather quickly).
Once you've patted the meat down, you can season it with whatever you prefer.  As stated before, a lot of flavor is coming from the mixture of smoke and meat, so you don't need to go overboard.  You should also keep in mind that, this being a roast, a lot of what you put on the surface is not going to penetrate too far into the roast.  Some of it, however, will still get in there due to the aforementioned electrolysis.  Personally, I usually use just a light dusting of salt, garlic powder, and ground chilis.  Cover this and let it sit until your smoke is ready.

Step three, the main event
What does your average strip club patron have in common with successful smoking?  HARD WOOD.  Over the years I have encountered a number of people who have done everything right before completely fucking it all up by using the wrong sort of wood.  As tempting as it may be to just collect downed trees and use that, you know, because free is awesome, there is a huge danger involved with cooking with just whatever you find.  That danger is sap.
The same thing that makes pine so good for campfires and firestarting in general is what with kill you with bitterness when it comes to smoking meat.  The softwoods tend to be really sap heavy, even if you can't see it or feel it.  When you smoke with it, the sap is the first thing that starts burning.  The smoke is acrid and tastes more like a fireplace than like something delicious.
Get some hardwood.  Purists like chunks, but if you can't get them you can always get some woodchips and make your fire with charcoal (I know a few Qists who favor this anyway, as they find it easier to control the heat).  I prefer fruit woods myself, but the wood comes down to personal preference for a lot of people.  Cherry, apple, mesquite, et cetera are often available at the same place you'd get your charcoal and other grill supplies.
If you're using lumps of wood, throw one or two onto the ember of your fire.  They'll keep the fire going while burning slow enough to release that smoke.  If you're using chips, soak them in water for a good half hour or so, then put the drained chips in an old soup can and stand the can up on your coals.  The wetness prevents the smaller and more flammable chips from bursting into flame, and the can prevents their wetness from weakening your fire.

Step four, saucing (or not)
All these motherfuckers all around their country wanna talk like what they got is the only thing that counts as BBQ, and that any sauce that differs from the base of their region is vile.  These guys are more annoying about it than the kind assholes from Chi-town and New York going at it over pizza.  It's an equally stupid argument, because taste is taste.  It's personal, and reflects your personal history and your own relationship with food.
My personal sauce preference is a secretive mix of chipotles, honey, and spices.  You can make your own sauce, or you can take something from a bottle.  Find what you think works.  Experiment.  Taste the fucking rainbow.  Just take notes for next time.

Until next time,

Coop
"You told me this was macaroni and cheese, not macaroni and orange mayonnaise"

Skillet Fried Potatoes: God’s Golden Cubes of Love

Is there really a more versatile and perfect food item than the humble potato?  Shut your fat stupid face if you don’t agree, it was a rhetorical question.  You can shred the potato, you can slice it, cube it, mash it, it can be boiled, fried, roasted, stewed.  

Or is it?  This post is born from of the shitty fried potatoes I have been encountering lately.  Too many times they have been overcooked, or undercooked, or just a ball of mushy starch on a plate.  But we can fix this.  We have the technology.  We can make them crispier, goldener, more delicious.

The first thing we’re going to consider is our prep work, and for that we have to look at the various breeds of potato.  For the most part we can break them into two: waxy and dirty.  These are not technical terms, so keep with me.  It’s about the texture of the raw potato, which directly relates to the starch that’s going to bleed out of it while you’re cooking.  

Think of waxy potatoes as being ones like reds, they have that smooth texture on the outside, and the insides don’t eplode with whitewater when you cut them.  On the other side we have the dirties, these are your russet types.  The makeup of the skin always feels a little gritty, you’re gonna want to use these guys for your baking and mashing needs.

“But Coop,” you’re saying, “all I have is the 10 pound bag of russets, because I buy my potatoes all willy nilly like.”  That’s fine, my friend.  We’re going to make that work as well.  Let’s get into our directions.

For your waxies you’re going to have an easy time.  Cube up the taters, ¼ inch by ¼ inch.  Get a layer of oil hot in your skillet, medium heat.  Toss in the potatoes, season, then toss them real good so you get the oil and spices coating every little chunk.  Cover this, but every now and again make sure you stir it up, to keep from burning the outsides.  Taste a piece from time to time.  Is it cooked?  Yes?  Crank up the heat and stir fry until you’ve crisped the outsides.  Then eat them.  Then say a prayer of thanks for such a delicious meal.

Now let’s ride dirty.  You’re still gonna cube them up.  You’re even going to stir fry them on high.  The difference is the step you’re going to add between cutting and pan.  You’re going to par-boil the cut potatoes.  You’re going to add vinegar to the water when you do.  1/8 cup per gallon will do it (you can do this same thing with homemade fries to get them crispier).  Once your potatoes are cooked you’re going to drain them and throw them directly into your hot oiled pan and season, then begin the stir frying.

FUCKING BONUS ROUND. SON!

Coop’s spice cabinet:

I advocate a well stocked spice cabinet, but there are a few things I consider a must.  While I enjoy going fresh as often as possible, these are the dried seasonings I like to make sure I have in a pinch.

Sazon (a mixture of MSG and spices, found in you Hispanic foods section.  Good for marinades, which we’ll cover later)

Garlic and Onion powders (no bitching, they do their job)

Kosher salt (The ‘kosher’ in the name refers to its electrolytic effects, all faiths can use this salt)

Cumin (Good for a chili like flavor)

Chipotle (heat and smokiness at once)

Portal Bellow Mush Room

So, for kicking this shit off we're going to start with something I started working on all those years ago around age 15.
It was a cool summer day in the quiet mountain town of Silverton.  The place?  A little cafe below a hotel, called The Green Table.  The dish?  A portabello mushroom on toast.  On my fourth day of work our head waitress, Mel, encouraged me to try something from the menu. 
Now, with a name like 'The Green Table' you can probably guess that the fare was not the usual lumps of greasy meat and cheese I shamefully shove down my gullet.  I had tried enough of the food to be sure I was making it according to the HC's directions, but otherwise my taste buds were focused on cheeseburgers (which we'll get to another day). 
Without a lot of work or money you can replicate this yourself, impress your friends, and maybe even get that special lady to get at you (broads digs mushrooms).

What you will need:
Portabello Mushrooms
French Bread
Mayonaisse
Chipotle Paste (if you can't find it, get some of them shits and put them in a blender)
Cheese (I recommend feta for this, but something like a muenster can be good too.  Just make sure it's cheese, not cheese product).

All right, you want to take your mushroom, which you have turned into just the cap, right?  Put it in a skillet, medium heat, in which is also about 1/8 inch of water.  Cover.  Let it go for a couple of minutes.
While that's making, it would be a good ide to mix up the mayo and the chipotle paste.  Mix it in a proportion that makes you comfortable.  You will be judged on it.
Take a slice of yonder Freedom bread, maybe make it about an inch, slather your hot mayo all over it.  Throw your mushroom cap on top, throw your cheese on top of that, then broil the shit out of it until it is done but not burned.  You'll know.  Just keep an eye on it.

Serve with lemonade, because fuck yeah lemonade.  You're gonna eat this, you're gonna need a new pair of pants when your done.  If you're a dude, give it to your woman and watch her beg to make your babies.

See you ladies Wednesday,
love, Coop

"Hershey's is amateur hour chocolate."

What are we even doing here?

Do you stay up into the wee hours of the night, scouring Pinterest for food ideas?  You have tab upon tab upon tab in your browser filled up with complicated and, allegedly, delicious dishes.  I say allegedly because you're never going to get around to making any of it.  You're going to look at the pictures, you're going to salivate, but at the end of the day you're going to make your Spongebob mac and cheese, eat the whole bowl yourself, and refuse to acknowledge that you are little more than a cooking enthusiast.

Let's change all that.  I'm not here to post pretty pictures to get your hunger dick all hard.  If that's what you're looking for, you can get right the hell out of here now.  I plan on showing you how to make food that tastes good, and teaching you why.  These are things you can make without breaking your budget.

Let's be real.  When's the last time you ate Bearnaise?  When was the last time you made some?  I've been in the kitchen for over 20 years, I've been getting paid for it for 15.  I know what you want.  You want to shove something delicious in your feed hole, or your SO's feed hole, without driving yourself crazy.  You'll learn what works, and you'll learn why it works.  Once you know how deliciousness works, you can be confident in you improvisation.

So keep it tuned.

--Coop
"On paper cooking is all just science.  Knowing how to apply that science is what makes it art."